February 2012
20 posts
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We were sitting together in his dorm last night, his feet propped up on his desk, me curled up in a chair, facing each other with those funny little smiles we sometimes wear when we’re alone together. I was playing with his fingers, tracing mine along the rough skin, thinking of how time changes everything, how once this hand had been soft and smooth and then life had happened and now it was...
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walking down the boardwalk, act like we were...
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Sometimes, I can feel his ghost pass right through me, cold as ice, like a dagger to the heart. One moment, I’m sitting at the library with books spread in front of me and the next, I’ve got my knees pulled to my chest and there are unfamiliar tears in my eyes, the taste of tragedy, which I’d thought I’d already forgotten, on my tongue. And then I’m back there again,...
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Tomorrow, we’ll take a drive down to the city and I’ll hold your hand while we walk on cracked asphalt in the late February sun. I’ll point out the places that were most important to me growing up- the park where I learned to ride my bike, the old, gray building where I scribbled my very first sentence, the house in front of which I always scraped my knees after clumsy games of...
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It doesn’t take much to grow tired of someone. In only a month, jokes that had once made you shake with laughter now cause you to roll your eyes and shake your head. When he slips his hand into yours, you gently move it to brush your hair behind your ear as if to keep it busy, as if for an excuse.
It’s been a long time now and I can’t imagine ever getting tired of him. Every...
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I heard that you’re different now, darling, that you don’t smile with those pearly whites the way you used to. I heard that you walk with your shoulders slumped now, that you stare at the scuff marks on your sneakers instead of looking straight ahead, instead of tilting your chin up and reading your future in the stars. I still remember that summer when we sat on your roof every night,...
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On the morning after you turned eighteen, your vision seemed crisper and your childhood seemed far away, like you’d been drifting away from it for a while and only just realized it. It all seemed to hit you at once- how irreparably messy the table cloth was and how coffee stains would always remind you of your mother’s morning routine, even long after you moved out and started a family...
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I couldn’t help glancing at my teenage years as they became smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror and soon, I’m sure they’ll just be tiny specks in the distance, fading away until I can’t see them at all.
Growing up is all about waving goodbye with that bittersweet feeling in the pit of your stomach because you don’t know if you’ll ever be the same again;...
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everything i want i have whenever i hold you...
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I’m humming love songs under my breath and smiling at every hand-holding couple walking down the sidewalk and suddenly, it’s Valentine’s Day again and this is finally the year that I’m not bitter. This year, I’m thanking the heavens for my blue-eyed boy with his messy blonde hair and his crooked smile and the way he makes me feel like maybe I’m filled with...
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This life is so, so beautiful and amazing sometimes- when you’re least expecting it, mostly. My day was making runs to the grocery store and chatting with a stranger- an older woman who decided to tell me all about her fiance and how she’s finally, finally getting married after all these years of thinking it wouldn’t happen for her. With Valentine’s Day rapidly approaching,...
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Falling in love isn’t what people make it out to be. It isn’t all about beauty- sure, sometimes it’s filled with butterflies in your stomach and sweet smiles that make your heart do flips and chills from the way he touches you and his lips on your neck, making you wonder how you ever lived without him before.
But mostly, love is ugly. Love is tripping over your words with...
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When I was little, I would daydream about what it might be like to finally have a hand to hold that wasn’t my daddy’s when crossing the street or what kind of foot-popping kiss would be my first. It all seemed very far away for a long time- even in middle school when boys finally started to show me attention, I’d squirm and wave them away as if I wasn’t interested, even if...
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here are my thoughts on february:
it’s finally getting cold, but not enough to make me shiver. i can see my breath as clearly as i can see my life stretched out before me, branching off in a million different directions. and maybe this month, with plastic hearts strung up in every store window and romantic music on every radio station, maybe this will be the month you’ll fall in love....
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and you sink in your chair, brush the snow from...
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“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and...”
– Stephen Chobsky
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I love you because you read to me when I was sad. Your voice was soft and slow as you pronounced each word of my favorite book so carefully and I kept my face buried into your side, soaking tears into your t-shirt. I love you because your friends hug me now, like I’m one of their friends too, not just that chick you’re dating. I love you because I heard your brother lean in and...
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“I’ll realize that I’m not the only person in the world. Little by little.”
– Replacements For The Phrase “I Love You”
January 2012
22 posts
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i want to tell you how much i love you.
-
All...
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I read once that happiness is a choice and now I understand exactly what that means. It’s like when you and your friends plan a beach trip for weeks and it rains on the day you arrive- you can either pout and complain and hole yourself up in the hotel room or laugh at the piercing irony of it all, step out into the terrible weather and embrace what life’s throwing at you.
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“I will not wait to love as best as I can. We thought we were young and that...”
– Dave Eggers
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If you ever left me, I’d cry enough tears to fill rivers with sorrow. You’d carry it around with you everywhere you went, the weight of the past heavy on your back, knowing that even as time passes, broken hearts don’t mend the way they’re meant to.
If you ever left me, I would kiss your knuckles with the bright red lipstick I save for special occasions and stain your...
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tonight
i loved you with everything i have
i think you loved me too, by the way you held my hand so tight when i cried
and by the way you kissed my hair when i wasn’t paying attention
and by the way you were grinning in my direction, like maybe i put the sun in the sky
i loved you with my entire heart
i hope you loved me too, even if it was quiet and the words weren’t said, i hope you...
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I thought that feeling- you know the one where your heart swells so big in your chest that it feels like it’s pushing against your rib cage, trying to make a jailbreak? I thought the growing familiarity of it was a good thing. Silly me, always trying to find beauty in the ugliest occurrences, always holding my breath for too long to feel the immense relief of fresh air, always picking the...
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I remember soft pillows that smelled like fresh laundry and I remember our noses almost touching, laying so close that I could count your breaths as you slept, could measure the distance your chest rose and fell beneath the blankets, could memorize the distinct shape of every freckle adorning your handsome face. I remember wrinkled noses at tasteless jokes and stifling giggles beneath palms. I had...
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It’s snowing. I would like to dress up in four layers and go outside into the winter wonderland with you, make snow angels and have a snowball fight and build a snowman for hours until our noses are red and we can’t feel our hands and nothing sounds better than a mug of hot chocolate. I’m betting on your body to keep me warm all through the windy night, all through the terrible...
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This is what it’s like to be in a committed relationship: it’s like you’re two strands of yarn and you’re tangled together, entwined, and every tug in opposite directions only seems to bring you closer together. It’s like nothing can ever tear you apart- even if you lose a bit of yourself, you’ve still got all of him to make up for it.
This is what it’s...
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In the house where I grew up, I massaged your thigh beneath the table during dinner with my family, felt your socked foot against my own while I scraped the mashed potatoes around my plate. Later, we cuddled in the tiny bed beneath which I had been convinced monsters resided. We kissed in the kitchen and in the doorway and on the stairs and in my old room, in front of my little brother who...
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This is starting to get old. I guess that means I am too.
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back when i was twelve or so, i swear to god i...
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I remember being small and looking out the backseat window of the car, thinking that the moon was following us on our journey. It hangs bright and round in the sky when I drive home on empty roads most nights that could easily pass for mornings, fingers loosely gripping the steering wheel. I’ve been tricked into loving this town with it’s front lawns and sprinklers in the summer, with...
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The sky was extraordinarily dark tonight and I was thinking about fireflies and how they would light up our summer nights spent memorizing each other- your body, your lips, your birthmarks, your scars, your voice, your words, your laugh. I was thinking about how it’s like slipping on ice, you lose your balance for just one split second and then you find yourself cold and confused and aching,...
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“I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.”
– John Green
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We locked eyes from across the room and a wave of memories crashed over me, causing me to sway on my heels. Like snapshots in my mind- you and me, taking your dog for a walk around your neighborhood, spending hours on the phone, posing for prom pictures, playing monopoly with your family. Thanksgiving was our holiday- we vowed to never let one go by without speaking. True to your word, every year,...
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Another oddly warm January night punctuated by your hands fumbling against my body. The moments linger when I’m staring into your eyes and baby, I love you, even if you can’t say those heavy words back to me right now, even if the weight of wishing and wanting and imagining is weighing down on my own shoulders too. We’ll get through this because I love you and that means dreaming...
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i keep wondering about our fleeting moments and whether or not your love is one of them.
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Last night, the weather was cold and so was I. Frostbitten words tumbled from my mouth and I couldn’t take them back, not even when your eyes turned darker than the clouds in the sky and I felt my heart stop, wondering if this was it, if I’d finally ruined everything. Then it was snowing for the first time this winter and I reached up to brush the snowflakes from your blonde hair. Your...
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“I felt like a racehorse in a world without racetracks or a champion college...”
– Sylvia Plath
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Brought in the new year with fireworks that lit up the sky, a glass of champagne and a kiss from my blue-eyed boy at the stroke of midnight, spent the first hour of 2012 memorizing his body pressed close and his warm breath against my neck, tried to decipher drunk celebratory texts I received from my dearest friends, drove home on empty roads with tired but content eyes around five in the morning,...
December 2011
19 posts
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This past year is proof that sometimes, life can take away your everything and if you stay standing and catch your breath, if your crying is soft enough to not draw too much attention, you’ll get it all back. Last year was swaying to the beat in a stranger’s basement, pressed up against nameless bodies, beer in hand. Last year was watching my family fall apart right in front of me, the...
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He had eyes like a puppy, remember? He used to be so small and you would sit him in your lap and wrap your arms around him because he was your baby, your little boy, the only person who would love you forever and always see you as some sort of flawless hero. You would smooth the blonde hair from his forehead and kiss him goodnight, check under his bed for monsters, rub sun screen into the freckles...
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Earlier in the night, I’d sat squished in the backseat between you and your brother, laughing as you fought over my head about one thing or another, always yapping back and forth like the teenage boys you are. Your mom rolled her eyes from the passenger’s seat and turned the radio a little bit higher, drowning you both out with Frank Sinatra singing about the summer wind and how it...
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My Christmas this year involved so much happiness that I constantly felt on the verge of tears, as if this sort of contentment is destroying me from the inside out with worry of when it will all fall apart. I’m starting to finally believe that maybe this isn’t just temporary, maybe I’ve finally found a comfortable stride in life and, despite minor blows, I’ll keep strolling...
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“Your love must not depend on sad-eyed boys. You can be in love with sunflower...”
– Francesca Lia Block
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There was something about the way you smiled when I met you under the mistletoe tonight, how you wrapped your arm around my waist and pulled me closer. The wine made me giggly, but you just somehow thought it was cute- like the way you’re always able to see my biggest flaws as something endearing. Thank you for kissing me in front of my family with surprising confidence on this magical...
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I never wanted this for us. I never wanted the years to pass like the worn pages of an old notebook blown away by the wind too quickly to catch before they’re gone forever, just a distant memory of waxed romantic words strung together by overly emotional tendencies. I never wanted to have to look you in the eyes and not know you anymore, never wanted to realize that we’re only...
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“I like how you can’t dance, how you have pedestrian taste in music, how the...”
– I Like Your Flaws