January 2011
20 posts
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I’ve been holding my breath for you for so long that I don’t even remember what a breath of fresh air feels like anymore.
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There were snowflakes in your hair that night, snowflakes in your auburn hair and freckles sparkling in your green eyes brighter than the stars and my fingertips lingered at the nape of your neck. We were young and we were perfect for each other, at least at that very moment, and the sky was purple with the setting sun the way a bruise ripens right before it finally, finally stops hurting. Your...
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I see the way he looks at her, blue eyes tracing the entirety of her body, lingering on the curves of her hips and the waves in her hair. I notice the way he slows his long, steady strides just to walk by her side, sliding his hand to the small of her back as though to hurry her along, but really just to touch her, hands itching for the soft skin beneath the fabric of her t-shirt. I know how he...
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“And we will be ready, at the end of every day will be ready, will not say no to...”
– Dave Eggers
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I used to wonder about love, real love, married for fifty years love, and debate whether or not that sort of thing was real. I’d sit on the floor with toys in each hand, glancing up at my grandparents as they sat in total silence together on the couch. The TV was always on some boring non-cable channel and not a single word was ever uttered between the two of them during this time, affection...
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I’m looking for comfort in all the wrong places- peering in close to the crack in the wall, checking beneath my bed, exploring the backseat of my car, but I can’t find you anywhere. Happiness hangs on a string and hovers just barely out of my reach; whenever I manage to get a hold of it, it’s ripped from my fingers and held even higher than before. My blankets still smell like...
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“my head keeps telling me she’s not that into me, but my heart just...”
– it could be so easy with him.
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It’s your birthday today. I sit on the front porch steps with bitter January winds whipping through my hair and I finally allow myself to wish things were different, to wish nothing had ever changed between the two of us. Twenty years old now, I remember when you were thirteen and we thought that was so grown up. A year older than me, you were the first of my friends to be a teenager, to...
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People always leave, but that’s no reason for me to stop wishing you wouldn’t.
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My favorite thing about blizzards is the way the snow covers everything, illuminating brightness even during the darkest moments of the night. If, at three in the morning, you happen to peep out your window in hopes of school or work cancellation, it’s like looking through a portal to a different world- a better, more beautiful world where nothing hurts.
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“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
– Oscar Wilde
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tear filled ramblings from a girl who feels too...
Betrayal coursing through my veins like blood eased by alcoholic loneliness that stings on the way down, too bitter to swallow without wincing. Your blue eyes are haunting me- I see them in my sleep and every waking hour, I see them staring back at me in the mirror, tormenting, reflecting every beautiful moment that I lost. Betrayal chokes me and kicks me when I’m down and there you are,...
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We’re always breaking, breaking, breaking each other, on and off and on and off and that’s how I’ve always been, that’s what I’ve done with everyone I’ve ever known. It’s just too hard to feel one thing all the time and I act on every emotion, my thoughts and feelings take hold of me and I’m like a puppet on the strings of bad decisions.
We sat on...
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These are all we get, these moments that speed past us like a truck on the freeway, that leave us swaying on our heels, lightheaded and empty-handed. Take advantage of every heartbeat, every roller-coaster sensation, every smile aimed in your direction because someday, it’ll all be gone. One of the best days of my life was a last minute trip downtown. We slept in a cheap hotel, ordered room...
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On my way out, I paused at the door and looked back at everything I was leaving behind. The pictures on the walls were faded and didn’t stick quite as well as they used to, but the memories attached to each one were vivid as ever. My favorite had always been the one taped up right beside my desk- there’s a scrawny middle school aged boy with messy hair, his arm wrapped around the waist...
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I just keep getting lost and your directions home aren’t as clear anymore.
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When my oldest cousin got her first boyfriend, I remember sitting with her in the basement of my uncle’s house, curled up on the couch as The Goonies played on TV. She kept going on and on about how glorious it was to have someone who cared, who took her out on dates and held her hand, who carried her books and walked her to class and waited for her by her locker. She told me she loved him...
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my year in experiences
Last year was sneaking into the park in the middle of the night, laying in the wet grass of my front lawn, the morning always sneaking up on us, watching the sun rise from my roof, rollerblading down the street in the warm weather, flipping through novels under the blankets in my bed, sand between my toes and the smell of sun screen by the ocean, crooked tan lines and freckles on my nose, the...