this is how simple it could be: a glass of orange juice
in the morning, a quick kiss on your way out, a small
bed holding two warm bodies curled together, becoming
one in the darkness. there are no easy goodbyes. i
stare in the mirror until i don’t recognize myself anymore.
on long trips, i forget the smell of home and that’s okay.
it’s not a bad thing to leave yourself behind from time to
time. it’s okay to find new homes and new ways to smile,
to discover a version of yourself hidden beneath layers
of bruised skin. sometimes i find that i don’t even know me.
this is how hard it is: dirty dishes piling up, lonely lips,
a bed that’s too big for just one person. in the early
morning darkness, a ray of light through a slit in the
curtains, falling on the empty side of the bed. blinding.
"My genes, my love, are rubber bands and rope - make yourself a structure you can live inside."
— Aimee Bender
i imaged it might feel like nothing at all, a gentle
numbness that takes over when the years start
to blur together like ruined photographs. our
third summer together- or was it our second-
we sat on a rusty old swing set and imagined
the world coming undone around us. i spent
the rest of the month pricking my fingers on
sharp objects to see what might tear me open.
the human mind has a faulty memory. we forget
appointments, old friends, the plots of books.
i’m piling up the intricacies. i’m keeping track of
the small tokens of gratitude. i’m holding in my
hands the affection, stretching and changing.
my memory is merely flawed and ordinary.
how will i ever remember all these long,
beautiful years with you?
"I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary."
— Margaret Atwood
thank you, thank you, thank you
i cut my hair to my shoulders for the first time last week to feel like i’m in control while life spirals away from me. i’m graduating on saturday. i’m leaving the best job i’ve ever had. i’m saying goodbye to so many things right now, and now, and now. goodbye to hours and hours in a classroom every day, hating entitled professors and loving the kind, compassionate ones that helped to mold me into who i am. goodbye to random breaks in the middle of the day spent lounging in the grass with close friends and feeling absolutely young. goodbye to the local coffee shop i’ve worked at for the past year where i’ve met so many amazing people, from the co-workers who make me smile so hard my face hurts to the regulars that have the most interesting stories to tell; it was truly amazing to be a tiny part of so many peoples days. lastly, goodbye to my school with the beautiful, green campus and the herds of young adults learning to be someone; thank you for teaching me so much.